One of my good friends gave me this book called The Infertility Companion by Sandra L. Glahn,Th.M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. Each chapter has questions and I figured it would be a good idea to write my answers down.
The first paragraph of this chapter sums up a few things I’ve been going through.
” The emotional pain associated with infertility is excruciating. There’s the loneliness, the lack of control, stressed relationships, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, waiting to hear from the Dr’s office, delayed decisions, career stagnation, withdrawal from family and friends, debt, insurance hassles, unending and invasive exams,medically induced emotional swings, daily trips to the lab…….punctuated each month with ‘I started my period.’ ‘
I don’t like to moan about these things and I don’t know if people get tired of hearing me talk about our fertility issues. Some times I feel like they are all-consuming. I’ve put off blogging about this for a long time. In the beginning I didn’t want to talk about it, and I often feel like I’m alone in this. When in fact there are a lot of people who have gone though what I am going through.
The hardest part is when your friends around you or just people you hear of, fall pregnant. I am so happy for them and extremely excited, but a little part of me just wants to die. I hate that I feel like that and it makes me even more depressed. I can’t explain it and I think you only understand it when you are going through infertility. I wish I didn’t feel like that, but I guess im just human and that’s part of our sinful nature,only with God’s love and grace can you get through it.
We’ve just done an amazing series at our church called The Waiting Room by Jeff Henderson. It was amazing. I felt like he was talking to me. I had already gone through a lot of the grieving stages ( Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Mourning and acceptance) I’m in the acceptance stage. Not to the point where I’d be fine with not having any kids, I’m in the stage where I know God has a plan and it will happen in his timing and his timing is perfect. Me knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier. I still struggle with it everyday and just have to surrender it over to God.
Jeff said we must not wait on WHAT and WHEN,but we must wait on GOD. He said a great quote” When I don’t know what to do my hope is not what or when but WHO!”
Hearing this sermon made me question whether going for fertility treatment was me trying to control the situation, but even with havin the treatments it still is up to God when he will bless us with a baby or 2 🙂
So I’m choosing Gods plan.